


The Judgment of Jack Sparrow

by Mengde



Category: Pirates of the Caribbean (Movies)
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-12
Updated: 2012-06-12
Packaged: 2017-11-07 14:26:15
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/432146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mengde/pseuds/Mengde
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What fate awaits our favorite pirate beyond the mortal plane? To what afterlife will he be sent? And might he have something to say about the final decision? Of course he does... he's Captain Jack Sparrow.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Judgment of Jack Sparrow

_k w_

Insensate, he stirred. All he knew was that his head hurt. Scratch that, his entire body hurt, not just his head. He vaguely wondered what he'd gotten himself into this time.

_ck row_

It was as though something was prodding at him repeatedly and unyieldingly. He grumbled under his breath and waved a hand to ward it off, but it would not stop.

_Jack Sparrow_

" _Captain_ ," he mumbled. " _Captain_ Jack Sparrow."

"If you insist. Not a formality we routinely stand upon here, but whatever will make the proceedings go more amicably."

Captain Jack Sparrow sat straight up and found himself confronted with two somethings. Belatedly, he realized his eyes were muzzy, so he rubbed furiously at them until the two somethings resolved themselves into…

"Oh bugger."

Jack was lying on a vast, flat plane of nothing, suspended in nothing. If he craned his neck he could see a more appealing nothing to the north, and looking over his shoulder, he saw a much less appealing nothing to the south.

"No need for that kind of language, Captain Sparrow," the first more-than-something said briskly. "We're here to conduct business, after all."

"Business," the second more-than-something sneered. "Perhaps you'd care to use the term 'transaction.' I think he might understand it better."

Jack pulled himself to his feet. It was an extremely disconcerting sensation, standing on nothing in nothing surrounded by nothing, so he focused on the two more-than-somethings in front of him.

One of them was clad in pure white robes and had six pairs of angelic wings; his wingspan was quite impressive, at least twenty feet. Dirty-blonde hair fell to his shoulders and his brown eyes were exhibiting a pleasant smile that matched the one his full lips had assumed. Looking at him, Jack thought that he vaguely reminded him of Will.

The other was in deep crimson robes and also had six pairs of angelic wings, though these were a jet-black instead of white. Rather incongruously, he was a redhead, though he'd slicked his own long hair back away from his face so it fell to between his shoulder blades. His eyes were also brown, though of a deeper shade than the first more-than-something's, and he, too, was smiling, but it was a very unpleasant sort of leer. The fact that he had fangs might have had something to do with it.

Jack looked back and forth between the two of them, then finally said, "…Transaction?"

"I told you," the second one sneered again. "That's his language."

"Be that as it may, we haven't yet introduced ourselves, I'm afraid," the first replied in a friendly tone that sounded none too forced. "Captain Jack Sparrow, I am the Archangel Gabriel. This is my counterpart, Prince Azazel."

"Charmed," Jack drawled. "So I take it that the both of you'll be sending me back to my ship, then."

"Nice try," Azazel snorted. "No, _Captain_ Sparrow, we're here to figure out where exactly you're going to go."

"…Back to my ship?"

"If you are referring to the _Black Pearl_ ," Gabriel butted in, "and not one of the many other vessels you… borrowed… in the past, then I am sorry to say that she is at the bottom of the ocean. In pieces. Lots and lots of pieces."

Jack stared at the angel for a long moment, then decided to risk it. "Now, when you say _pieces_ …"

"The biggest is about the size of your forearm."

"The Kraken was apparently upset with you," Azazel laughed. "I wonder why… Perhaps you gave it _indigestion_."

It all started coming back to Jack at that point. "I daresay I did. Never was one to get eaten by a sea monster and let the beastie enjoy it. Now, then, I assume one of you fine gents will be directing me to the exit."

Gabriel's smile widened. "Ha… No."

Azazel produced a roll of parchment and began tracing a finger down its length as it hovered before him. "The problem with people like you, Sparrow –"

" _Captain_."

"– is that nobody knows precisely what to do with you. Countless indiscretions, violations of moral decency… Let's see. Pillaging, pilfering, theft, jealousy, pride, illegitimate sexual relations, _indecent_ illegitimate sexual relations, violence, drunkenness, wanton wastefulness, murder – yes, Barbossa does count – deception, mass trickery, sacrilegious thoughts and tendencies, cross-dressing…"

"Now I can explain that one –" Jack started.

"I hardly think there's a need. No, Captain Sparrow, we know where your afterlife will be spent. Now walk this way, if you please."

"If I could walk that way, mate, Elizabeth never would have cuffed me to the mast."

Azazel spat and pointed a finger at Jack. "That horrid pun alone might be enough to land you in the Pit, Captain. If I must make myself even clearer, _follow me_."

A hole opened in the nothing behind Azazel. There was fire and general unpleasantness emitting from it.

"I'm going to go with 'no' on that one."

"You really ought to consider his positive attributes before you go damning him for eternity," Gabriel said brightly. He also produced a roll of parchment and began to scan it, eyes flitting back and forth. Jack noted with no small amount of unease that Gabriel's scroll was roughly a quarter the length of Azazel's. "Courage, self-sacrifice, genuine care and love for those close to him…"

"…regardless of whether or not he would send them to serve a hundred years on the _Flying Dutchman_ in his place…" Azazel added.

"…and a strong sense of duty." Gabriel gave a small nod and said, "Yes, those are all things that might have helped you out were they on this list, Captain Sparrow."

Silence. Slowly, Jack crossed the expanse of nothing to the angel and looked at the parchment. It was blank.

"Well, looks like there's nothing for it, then," Gabriel sighed. "All right, Azazel. He's yours."

"Wait wait wait wait," Jack said, feeling himself edge towards desperation but also feeling a suspicion take hold. He strode over to Azazel and fished a hand into the demon's sleeve, over numerous and heated objections, then withdrew, clutching the real list.

"Bloody hell," Azazel growled. "You had to be clever."

"A man doesn't get to be in my position without some instincts, mate. Savvy?" He handed Gabriel the real list, which the archangel took with a scowl.

"You said you wouldn't do that, Azazel."

"I lied. Terrific surprise."

"You know I can't comprehend the concept of deceit."

"And it was all looking to be so easy," Azazel sighed.

Scanning Jack's list, Gabriel was silent for a moment. "Well, everything seems to be in order. All the things I mentioned before, as well as some others – _honesty_ – are on here."

"Overrated," the archangel's demonic counterpart huffed. "Honestly, the only thing you can expect from an honest man is for him to eventually become dishonest. He really ought to come with me. It would save you a lot of trouble."

"You know the policy, Azazel. Fair judgment is necessary for all those who pass into our realm."

"But have you any idea how many eternities Saint Peter would spend reading off his sins and having him say a Hail Mary for each one before letting him through the Gates? Besides, I'm sure he'll enjoy it much more in the Pit. He might even see some familiar faces."

"No, I think that's out of the question. You know what the Lord said about Sodom and Gomorrah."

"No, I _don't_. I haven't listened to anything that He's said for the past… well."

"'Yea, if there was but one good person within the walls of these cities, I would have spared them.' Captain Sparrow has a solid core of honesty and selflessness in him, and I think that alone makes him worth due consideration before deciding one way or another. Don't you agree, Captain?"

There was no answer.

Both Gabriel and Azazel realized they'd been arguing for a minute straight and immediately looked around. Aside from the nothings that had been present previously, there was nothing.

"He's buggered off!" Azazel roared.

Gabriel rubbed at his temples. "You think you know a man…"

"There's no way of recording any of this, either, because he's also stolen the list of his crimes… and I think he's written something on the back of yours."

The archangel flipped his scroll over with a gesture and looked at what passed for Jack's handwriting.

_Gents, this is the day you will always remember as the day that you almost judged Captain Jack Sparrow._

Azazel blew out a belabored breath. "Well. Joke's on him, then, because I've got rum." He produced a pair of bottles and handed one to Gabriel. "What shall we drink to, then?"

Gabriel accepted the bottle without looking, his eyes still fixed on the scroll. He took a swig, grimaced.

"Bloody pirate."


End file.
